in race with time

“Days go on and on... they don't end”

— Travis Bickle,Taxi Driver

so i’ve been on a break for a little over a week now, and it feels good. After a long year, it feels like learning to walk on dry ground after spending a spell in a swamp. Your body expects resistance and your legs still remember the drag.

waking up to no real sense of responsibility feels strange, I spent the days in long video calls with friends discussing mundane things; a likely gig, memories of a night out, party somewhere, laughters— conversations that stretch without urgency. Time feels wider in these moments. Less compressed and there’s a softness to it that I suddenly realize I’d been missing.

i put hours into other personal and peer projects. I wrote this blog and drafted two others. I read a quarter of a poetry book I’ve tucked away since august. But the overall lack of structure altered my slight with time, and in the absence of deadlines pressing against me, I become aware of how easily the hours can slip. How complacent wasting it can feel when no one is watching the clock.

that awareness makes me uncomfortable.

the truth is, I enjoy the grind. I enjoy the quiet satisfaction that comes with responsibility, to tinker and build. The adrenaline rush that accompanies deep focus, the hours disappearing without announcement and the sudden quiet and emptiness that replaces the work rhythm after a very busy day.

what unsettles me is what hangs in the loop. This familiar and intimate cycle of time, but how repetitive and monotonous it is that i sometimes wonder if it ever really stops.

another year comes in a bit, and while I'm excited about it, i feel like i’m in a race with time. I’m tired, but slowing down feels expensive. I want a breather, but I can’t afford one — not yet.