I have been kind of feeling time anxious these past days; that mental state you know there’s only little time left, you have much to do but can barely bring yourself up to do anything to begin with.
I enjoy the fact that the world is rolling by, that the year will end soon. I love that businesses and ventures are closing for the holidays or entering their slow days, and individuals are somewhere, someplace writing a review of the outgoing year or writing resolution or making plans for the new year. All these coupled with the atmospheric sense of ending and pulses of closure make it all beautiful, and while I’m excited about the thought of a new year, it doesn’t feel like I’m totally prepared to dive into what it holds.
I woke up 5am today, and sat for a long time with my coffee mug in the kitchen light. i wasn’t thinking, but what was clear to me was not the successes I had in the year, but my failures and the question of value that I was confronted with. Perhaps it was high time I started wearing my inadequacies like a badge, or question myself about progress, career choice and if I’m doing the right thing and in the right place that is best suitable for me.
While I have been able to create as little mark as possible as a young writer with my debut poetry book forthcoming with an organization and a reputable publisher that I have utmost respect for in the United States next year, growth as a software engineer they said, takes time, I’m trying to be the best I can be and build things that are not only useful and valuable to technological trend but can make impact. I believe I have all and the support it takes to do this. This is one of my plans for the forthcoming year.
It’s not to say there isn’t so much feeling of inadequacy that comes with being nascent in a field, you’re affronted with feelings and queries of added values, the need to scale at utmost speed, and focus becomes conflicting when your plan for growth is contradictory with the map of what offers your current paycheck, but this is where the real play begins, and because we’re lions, it is not to say quit but diving into the wreck if that is where the big game is.
For now, I’m committed to taking enough break, reading, speaking to friends on long phone calls, the aimless drive & tinkering with technology as little as I can while basking in the euphoric climax of a year whose dusk is upon us.